Is it TOO LATE to go on Pointe? Pointe Diaries - Week 1
By Veronica Viccora
2.7.24
Welcome to The Pointe Diaries. As an adult beginner ballerina, I'm giving you the inside scoop on what it's REALLY like to go en pointe for the first time to answer the question: is it too late to go on pointe? I'll be sharing my honest thoughts, musings and discoveries after each pointe class so stay tuned and I hope you enjoy. :)
Pointe Diaries - WEEK 1
Is 30 TOO LATE to go ON POINTE?
For most of my life, I believed it was far too late for me to go on pointe. But after starting my ballet journey in New York City at the age of 27, I've discovered that age is not what matters when it comes to starting pointe. In fact, there's no age limit for pointework! As long as you have the flexibility and mobility that pointe requires, anyone can start at virtually any age.
So now, here we are. It's my first pointe class. EVER. And I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I can feel a magical mixture of nerves and excitement brewing in me. The kind of stomach butterflies that only come from doing things you know you're destined to do.
But am I destined to do this? After the first class, I'm not so sure.
We'll get to that.
STEP 1 - LEARN HOW TO SEW & LACE MY POINTE SHOES
Figuring out how to sew my pointe shoes as an adult, on my own, with only the vague help of online tutorials as a guide has been challenging. I'm really nervous that I didn't sew them properly and that I'll have to wait until next class to try again. Aside from the fact that it took me a collective 4 hours to sew these already, I cannot possibly wait another full week to get this pointe party started! A friend of mine from class says they look good, which puts me at ease. Like my left shoe, her stitches are visible from the outside, which also puts me at ease. (I was panicked once I'd realized there was an inner layer you can sew the ribbons & elastics to, so only the right shoe got that special treatment).
I learn how to properly lace a pair of pointe shoes, my teacher barking at me slightly when I didn't fully get it at first. (Being barked at no longer bothers me the way it did at first though. I know she means well, she's just a bit zaney like that sometimes. I'm happy to be toughening up). Wrapping my feet in satin and ribbon feels like coming home. I can't help but grin ear to ear. I've never felt stronger or more beautiful.
STEP 2 - LEARN HOW TO STAND ON POINTE
Before tonight, I only tried to stand en pointe once or twice and could hardly balance at all. I've been worried: If I can't even stand still, how the hell am I ever going pirouette in these contraptions? (Especially because I can hardly pirouette to begin with). But somehow tonight, I'm able to balance, hands off the barre for a couple of seconds at a time. Even getting up onto the box isn't as hard as I expected it to be. But what's much harder than anticipated is rolling down off the box.
My shoes are so stiff. I'm afraid to really break them in outside of class. I want them to last as long as humanly possible (or pointe shoe-ly possible I guess). All together the whole pointe shoe kit and kaboodle cost close to $200 and that doesn't include my even more expensive pointe classes either. I hope one day that doesn't feel like a ton of money, but right now, as I scrape by in my tiny apartment, trying to follow my dance dreams, it really really does. Honestly, class is unbelievably hard and foreign in so many ways, but I feel quite accomplished and my feet hurt much less the next day than I thought they would.
It's the mental sh*t storm of imposter syndrome that begins to rain down on me after the fact that I'm not expecting.
RELATED: My First Pointe Shoes EVER at 30!
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POST POINTE CLASS IMPOSTER SYNDROME
I feel absolutely exhausted showing up to all my subsequent ballet classes. I'm attempting 3-5 a week plus pilates & yoga to cross train. I'm burnt out from not only so much physical activity, but from also from so many late nights spent writing articles, editing videos, dreaming up new workshop and clothing line ideas, etc. I'm too exhilarated, too busy to sleep. I'm pissing my friends off with the 89 texts I haven't responded to. My e-mail inbox is messier than my desktop and my apartment combined (which are both seriously suffering). I'm so much more stressed than perhaps anyone realizes, or understands. Not to mention, I've lost a degree of privacy by sharing my journey so publicly.
Now when I go into a classroom, it's not always a room full of strangers. Sometimes, it's also members of this incredible community which I think is the coolest frikin thing in the world. But it also means, I don't get to suck in private anymore. I do my best to celebrate and normalize my imperfections online, but I have days, just like anyone would, when I'm feeling sweaty, disgusting, bloated, off balance and all around low energy. And I worry that I'll be a massive disappointment, even embarrassment to someone who might be following me if they meet me in that state. That is of course, a totally selfish thought. No one really gives a sh*t about whether or not I can do a proper saut de chat.
But sometimes on my off days, I feel extra shy. I feel the perfectionist in me flaring up again, pressuring me to "prove" something to the world. It's hard balancing my mission to follow a very personal dream so publicly. But after journaling through a moment of serious self doubt, questioning whether or not I have what it takes for any of this: to be a dancer at all, let alone a pointe dancer, let alone a pointe dancer online, I am determined never to give up.
I believe making space for other ballet misfits to embrace their imperfections is much more important than my small minded imposter syndrome.
And despite what my brain wants me to believe, it is NEVER too late to go on pointe.
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